


Is it the end or am I high?

by YeetYeetBitch



Category: Original Work
Genre: Comedy, Crack, End of the work, Gustav the cat, i was bored, idk - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-09
Updated: 2019-04-09
Packaged: 2020-01-07 12:25:45
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,137
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18410609
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/YeetYeetBitch/pseuds/YeetYeetBitch
Summary: This one dude tries to mind his own buisness when the world ends but accidently survives so he ends up on the moon...





	Is it the end or am I high?

    Today I woke up at precisely 3 a.m. to my neighbor's cat knocking on my window, now this isn’t a particularly unusual experience, just Gustav being his normal asshole self, however, the moment his mouth opened and spewed out a flawless, perfectly punctuated, fully functional, russian accentuated sentence spewed from between his meticulusly sharpened, that's right, sharpened, teeth, I knew, I just knew this was either A) a vivid hallucination created by some very strong drugs, B) another one of my very creative dreams or, C) my final shreds of sanity finally bleeding away. Any of these are logical really as it was only a matter of time before the amount of stress caused me to turn to drugs or just plain drove me insane. And the third option is especially possible because well, I love to sleep and more often than not I have insane dreams that make me question everything I have ever held true in life down to the simplist things such as one plus one and knowing that my name is Jerry, wait, Gary? So before my life turns into a game show called ‘Is this reality or is this your horrible imagination getting in the way of your entire life by giving you the gift of crippling anxiety, severe trust issues, depression, and self doubt’, I get up from my bed, go to the window to open it for Gustav, a cat of siberian breed adopted from Russia, to make his way into my room by oerfoeming a flawless midair somersault.  Gustav lands impeccably on his feet, as always, just in front of me and while making direct eye contact says, “That took longer than my wife's attempts at dismantling a bomb.” His russian accent seems to be morphing into more of a western cowboy vibe... The more this continues to play out the more I mentally inch away from the “this is a weird dream” explanation and towards the “I’m very high” explanation. Let’s see how long it takes for me to get to the “Is this real life, or is thus just fantasy” phase. I’ll bet you twenty bucks it won’t even take until the end of this next paragraph.

   Gustav wanders around my room seemingly oblivious to the shell shocked state I am currently in. Now normally I would chalk this weird situation up to a common halucination, except I can still hear all of his snide remarks regarding the disastrious state of my room. Which is justifiable I guess, as there are three day old orange peels laying scattered around the floor, mounds of clothes, clean and unclean, creating mini mountains everywhere, and a stench not unlike a mixture of chlorine and paint fumes. My plants are dying do to unknown reasons (Shut up Greg we all know you don't water them) and there are random bits of paper flying around. 

    Amidst all the truly gutting remarks from Gustav, he suddenly stops and turns to stare directly at me, like he’s suddenly realizing there's another presense in the room with him... My presense, in my room... He slowly blinks and opens his tiny mouth revealing sharp fangs in surprise, before muttering, 'Fuck off George', under his breath before continuing with his snooping. A startled 'excuse me' stumbles from my mouth and Gustav snaps his head back around to gkare up at me once more. This time surprise covers his face, that smug bastard, as he realizes “maybe this human boy can understand me?” 

    After a few seconds of strenuous eye contact, Gustav breaks the silence, as well as casually shreading my last strings of sanity by saying, “Hi there Geoffrey, how’s the weather up there?” 

    Deciding that, yes, I have indeed gone insane I quietly sprint out of my room and slam the door closed, practically launching myself down the stairs to talk to my mom about maybe getting me a therapist for my birthday this year. I’m turning the corner to the family room when I hear the tv blasting the news. 

    “THE CATS ARE SENTIENT I REPEAT THE CATS ARE SENTIENT. THIS IS NOT A DRILL!”

“THE GOVERNMENT HAS DRUGGED THE ENTIRETY OF AMERICA THROUGH THE WATER. DON'T DRINK THE WATER!”

    Now, if this isn’t a warning sign, I don’t know what else it could possibly be. My feet are moving on auto piolet now, continuing into the family room. On the couches I see not only my mom, but also my dad and older brother, who don't normally partake in my mothers perfectly normal tradition of watching the 4 a.m. news, sitting with wide eyes glued to the tv, unmoving and unblinkingly. 

    “Uhhh, hello?” I manage to stutter out, slightly nervous about what was to come when their trances break, because, even through I happen to be taking this in completely calm manner and totally chill atitude,  other normal, unworldly people, such as my family, might not. 

    One after the other, the members of my family break their stareing contests with the tv to turn and look at me, slowly, almost zombie like with their movements. Then almost like it was rehearsed, they all start screaming, my dad passes out on the couch, my brother high tails it out the door, and my mom immediately flies into the kitchen to phone the police. Half way through this call she remembers the warning the news had delivered, that the government may be behind this anamoly, and slams the phone on the counter before running outside to where my brother and all of our neighbors have gathered into a mass circle each screaming their own opinions. This is getting no one anywhere and nothing done until one particularly loud individual screams out, “LET'S RAID THE MAYOR’S HOUSE!” Everyone if course agrees with this brilliant decision and the entire mob collectively moves in the direction of the mayor’s house, some of the supposedly wiser folks getting in cars to drive there. I’m left standing in the doorway to my house watching my mom and brother get into a car with our lovely next door neighbors, who happen to be the owners of Gustav, while dragging my still unconscious father into the backseat. Now I don’t know how my family managed to remember to bring my unconscious dad along on this manic road trip and not me, but I can’t say I’m complaining. 

    I go back into my house and sit silently for a few more minutes watching the news untill the screen shifts from the now psychotic reporter to a new, calmer one who is now covering the raid of Mayor Timothy's house. I switch through all the channels only to find half of them shut off and the other half displaying various acts of violence towards government officials in pretty much every single state. I decide I’d rather not take part in this activity and travel to my basement to hide from the world, but not after locking all the windows and doors of course. I turn on the tv down here and switch it to a random news channel. 

    “Congress as just unwillingly installed a new president by the name of JJ Styles as a result of being held at gun point.”

    Wait… what?

    “Do to the citizen's mistrust in the government, every single Act and Law in place will be revoked immediatly.”

     Ummm…..

    “Do with this information as you wish, if you need me, don’t come find me, Synthia signing off for what is most definitly my last exit ever. ”

     Okay then. With this new little tidbit of knowledge, I become suddenly very, very grateful that my grandma always panics when literally any conspiracist comes up with a new date for the end of the world and buys massive buckets full if 'End of the Worlf Food'. Now I can just stay all safe and cosy in this basement, snuggled up with my end of the world macaroni, never needing to leave ever again, until my soul departs from my dead body and drifts aimlessly around the world. My family is probably  already dead, knowing them, so who else could possibly know I'm still here? I'll be safe.  
   All of a sudden the news comes back to life.

    “RUSSIA HAS LAUNCHED THEIR NUKES, AMERICA IS UNDER ATTACK!”

    Oh, well, there goes my Saturday morning plans. About now is when everyone who wasn’t already panicking should have started to absolutely freak out and get in tiny paddle boats to frantically push their ways into the middle of the Pacifuc Ocean. I am not included in this group of people apparently  because all I do is get in the stupid, tiny crawl space in the hopes that maybe being about 20 feet underground surrounded by stone and wood walls will provide enough protection from multiple nuclear bombs and then the radiation afterwards. We all know this is very false but I choose to believe it anyway.  
     So I’m just hanging out in my very comfortable concrete hole thinking about taking a nap when all of a sudden some very, very, very, very, very loud booms are heard followed by rapid shakes of the ground. I spare one last passing thought of how Gustav is faring and then promptly pass the fuck out. 

    When I wake up it is extremely dark, like the room I’m in has been buried a million feet underground, but that doesn’t make sense, there are windows in here. I cautiously get up from my bed and stealthily make my way across the room and by “stealthily” I mean, I tripped over my foot and did some very ungraceful gymnastics sending myself flying into a wall, bouncing off of said wall, crashing into several other beds, and then falling flat on my face. My gracefulness is apparently so wonderful that it is deemed worthy of an audience. 

    “Gerald is awake.” Random person number one states. 

    “Yes we know, we are all standing literally within a foot of you.”

“No need to be snotty.”

“There is every need to be snotty, we’re all stuck on the moon watching everything on Earth die as we struggle to understand even basic math in the attempts to figure out a way to save even just the tiniest remnants of Earth.”

“Wait, what?” I cut in uselessly. 

“Exactly Gregor.”

“That doesn’t answer my question…”

“Yeah well, deal with it Godfrey, none of my questions are getting answered either.”

“Can you please just explain what’s happening, I’m sure you know at least that much.”

“Fine Groot.” Random person number two seems to have a perminate glare stuck on her face but nevertheless continues on to explain. “So basically, everyone in America is stupid, we assumed the government secretly gave us hallucinogens through the water system and in response raided all government buildings, placed a corrupt president in charge, changed the national anthem to 'Mary Had A Little Lamb' and replaced America's flag with one using the cheerios logo as a centerpiece. Russia and North Korea and basically every other country in the world decided they had had enough of this monstrosity called America so they decided to get rid of it. Now most countries figured all they would need to do is put America in quarantine and then take down the entire false government and go from there, but Russia and North Korea had a different idea. They decided to nuke america. This of course didn’t go as planned and they accidently took out most of Canada and South America too. The radiation was so great it spread across the oceans in minutes and began killing off people living in the Europian and Asian continents. Eventually only .000000001% of the world's population has survived and half of these people were sent to the moon to try and come up with a way to save the Earth. The problem with that is no one here knows anything about anything. Take me for example, I’m an art student who dropped because I didn't want to draw a dumb fuck tree.”

    “Whelp.”

    “Yeah, whelp.”

    Not even seconds after random person number two finishes her story, alarms start blaring and a new random person, dubbed random person number three steps into the room. 

    “So apparently there’s a meteor heading straight for the moon and there’s no way any of us will survive so like, I don’t know, go back to bed and pretend you never woke up?”

    Random persons numbers one, two, and three all then leave me in my room to contemplate why I even bothered to try and survive the nuclear blast in the first place. 

     Moments later the meteor collided with the surface of the moon, completly shattering it, sending flying shards into all the surrounding planets and what remains of Earth.

The end of the world has come.


End file.
